asked me to list my top 5 dating deal breakers.

So, with little further ado, except an apology to small people and cows (coupled to the admission that I don't do dating), here we go…

The dead fish inquisition
And I ain’t talking sushi. There’s nothing worse than when the lady of the evening reaches into her purse and flops out a ripe, odorous hallibut right next to her steak knife. And then proceeds to check my answers to her questions with the fish… “What do you think Mr Gilly, was he being honest that time?” The cold, dead eye of the fish sees all transgressions.

Midget mafiosi mumblers
Now, I understand that some folk are hooked on achievement and making the conquest. But when the lady of the evening brings along her midget cousin, dressed up as some Don Corleone pastiche – and when said cousin starts mumbling that my kids will be shot if I don’t say ‘yes’ – well, that’s a deal breaker, right there.

[oh, and I apologise if the term ‘midget’ is politically incorrect – please don’t fire me, NPR]

She turns out to be cow in disguise
Cows. Secretive. Clandestine. Subversive. Their latest tactic? To dress up as women and use a blind date runaround to lure men back to the milking shed. As if the sight of a multi-teat hanging below the hem-line is meant to short-circuit common-sense. Beware cows! Beware low-hanging teats!

Sudden arm removal
I just hate it when she pulls out a running chainsaw and chops off my arm for no apparent reason. It’s a really bad sign.

The usual suspects
I don’t mind knowing that social relationships are a form of competition. I get it. Survival of the fittest; extend the gene pool. No, really… I get it. But what I don’t get is when she turns up with her previous 9 partners and lines us all up like ‘The Usual Suspects’ from her best to her worst. It’s not so much being the human equivalent of a statistical sample. It’s the fact that the tape measure she uses is sooooo cold (breathe on it first, woman!)

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