There’s been a spate of Throwback…

[insert day]

posts on Facebook recently – where people share pictures of their younger selves. Lots of fun, though I haven’t partaken.

Because.

Well, I generally prefer to look forward. Way forward. Like, over the horizon forward.

This is generally a good thing, though it does often leave me at the conclusion of major project – be it a book, record or software release – in something of a postpartum downward spiral. I have a tendency to negate, or at least undervalue, what I’ve produced

[and I’ve produced a lot]

In the back end of last year, I sat myself down and gave myself a good talking to. Barring a miracle, there is no living to be made pursuing my art. I’ve always known that, of course, but I finally stared that reality in it empty eyes and decided enough was enough.

I stopped work on the new novel, Rufus.

I killed the Asylum short film project just as soon as the Kickstarter didn’t make its target

[which was a bit of a chicken and egg with the decision to stop]

I didn’t record the follow up to Sparse

[though I did record the unexpected songs that make up Grope – yet to be finished and released]

and I turned attention to my business, which had been ticking away in the back of things. I’ve since spent the time coding up a cloud-based service which is up and running, and about to get publicized. Unless you’re into Organization Development, you won’t see it – I think it’s got great potential, but I need to put all my weight behind it to make it successful.

I’ll write again, of course I will. I’ll keep making music, of course I will. And all those projects will find the right voice at the right time.

But, as ever, tonight I’m feeling that postpartum dive of

It’s finished, and no one cares… so what’s next?

I know this. I am this. I need neither sympathy nor kind words

[though a hug doesn’t ever go amiss]

I just need to keep moving.

And because I know that in the dive I have a tendency to withdraw, I’ve learnt that I have to make a conscious effort to put myself out in the world.

To that end, I’ve just posted the complete screenplay for Asylum for no other reason than my knowing it’s not getting made any time soon, and I’d rather you read it than it stay locked in my laptop.

I wish I’d had the chance to make it, and maybe someday I will – but for now, let’s just make it my offering to Don’t Care Monday.